Older women for younger men: expert dating tips for women

January 1, 2008 – 7:01 pm

Welcome to Dating the World’s exclusive interview with Lucia, a leading international romance expert specializing in advising older women on dating younger men.

Do you think there has been a boom in the older woman/younger man relationship trend in recent years, and if so, why?

Absolutely! I believe there are two main reasons. The first is that 20-30 years ago, there weren’t as many single women over 30. Most people married in their 20s and stayed married, no matter what. As divorce became more socially acceptable, women in the 30s (referred to as “pumas”) and 40s (referred to as “cougars”) began to enter the dating scene. However, they often found that men their age preferred younger women. Their choices were usually relegated to men 15-20 years their senior. Many of these women however, were young at heart, vibrant and attractive and didn’t want to be with someone that much older.

The second reason is finances. Just as financially independent men often prefer younger women, financially independent women often prefer younger men. Now that women are no longer bound by finances and social norms and mores are loosening up, they are finally able to make more honest choices when it comes to a partner.

You meet a lot of older women who are hoping to date younger guys. On the whole do you think women are looking for long term love or is it they more about sex and intimacy with someone who’s young and passionate?

I think it depends on the woman and what’s going on in her life. Some women are taking a break from relationships or prefer older men, so they are only looking for a fling. They figure this will be a fun experience and are not looking for a commitment. Other women prefer younger men exclusively and are looking for someone to have a long term relationship with.

Some women have written to us complaining that younger men often just want a one night encounter with an older woman - but are not really into dating them properly. Do you think that’s true?

It depends on the age of the younger man. If he’s under 25, he’s generally not a good candidate for anything long term. There are a lot of guys on internet dating sites that are just looking for a one night stand or a booty call, so it’s up to the woman to figure out who she’s dealing with. By waiting to have sex, you eliminate most of the guys that aren’t looking for a relationship.

What advice do you have for women who are looking to find a younger guy for the long term - how can she keep him keen over the years? And does the age gap put extra pressure on the relationship?

The foundation of any romantic relationship is friendship and passion. If there is a deep connection between two people, there’s no reason why the age gap should put extra pressure on the relationship. More often than not, it’s other people that are the problem – such as the younger man’s mother, his friends, her friends and/or her children.

All relationships have issues, not matter what the age difference. The question becomes: Are you willing to make a commitment to something bigger than the both of you or are you going to bail at the first signs of trouble?

When a woman meets a younger guy she likes, should she take control and flirt with him because she’s the ‘experienced one’ or make him do most of the work, as a younger woman might usually do?

Women need to keep in mind that just because he’s younger, it doesn’t mean he’s not male. No matter what the age difference, guys generally prefer to be the pursuers. Women can certainly show interest by smiling, initiating a conversation and if necessary, saying: I enjoyed talking with you. I’d like to get to know you better. If he’s interested and available, it’s then up to him to make the next move.

What are the most common mistakes you’ve seem older women make when trying to find and date a younger man?

The top three can be summed up as ABC:

Assuming the financial responsibility - In many cases, the woman has more money than the younger man, so she figures it can’t hurt to pay for everything and buy him things he can’t afford. By doing this, she is setting herself up to be his sugar mama. It also comes across as desperate, manipulative and needy.

Becoming his mother - As tempting as it may be, an older woman shouldn’t try to solve all of a younger man’s problems, otherwise he will see her as his mother instead of his lover.

Competing with younger women - Younger guys are interested in older women because of their age, not despite their age.

Do you have any more dating tips for women who are looking for a successful May-December relationship?

Don’t feel embarrassed just because May-December relationships are still not totally accepted in society. You’re not doing anything wrong. Often, people are just jealous.

Tribal thinking is strong but I believe it will eventually catch up with the current reality. In 15-20 years, these types of relationships will no longer be such a big deal. Welcome to the “Cougar Revolution”.

* To find out more about Lucia, visit her site, The Art of Love